The One About The Glass Wall

Dear You,

I was doing better, I swear.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, severe anxiety, and major depression. I was talking to a therapist. I was branching out at work. I was talking to family more. I was growing closer to the man who tried to fix me.

I was.
I was...
I was.....

I'm not anymore. I'm fighting for my soul, for my mind, for this thing I call my life. Everything was supposed to get better when we stopped communicating. I thought for sure that I could become a strong, new me.

But then the arguments became louder, the family faded away, the work I did became mediocre despite my hardest efforts, and I stopped responding to the therapist. The light that had steadily grown for months started to flicker, and I started to suffocate.

I feel as though I am stuck behind a glass wall, watching everything happen in front of me and I can't influence it. It all happens so fast, before I can reach out and change it. No matter how loud I yell or how hard I hit the wall, nothing changes. I'm headed the wrong direction but there I can't turn back.

There is nobody that can hear me, that can help me. I'm failing at my own life. Is that possible? It must be since I am here, doing it now. My brake line is cut, it's all down hill from here.

Of course, I don't think that you would fix everything. It's silly to think that one person could magically make things all better. I don't think that, or expect it, or wish it. At this point, honestly, I don't believe that anyone, including myself, could make it better. Nothing can break this glass wall I am looking through.

I've thought about picking up and leaving. Simply dropping everything and leaving. Instead of staring through the same glass wall everyday, I could find a new wall. A new view. Of course, I looked for everything I would need in the same city as you. The only problem with that, though, is that I couldn't put myself through the rejection again. I loved, and I lost you. If I lost you again, no part of me could handle it.

I looked on the other side of the continent instead. It's more and more appealing with every passing day. Just know, that if I do it, it will be my last try, last chance, last hope.

The only problem is figuring out a way to walk away from this glass wall.

Sincerely,
The Girl