The One About Deleting Old Messages

"There is a girl who still writes you; she doesn't know how not to."  

                                                             -Sarah Kay 

Dear You,

I was deleting old conversations on messenger tonight. I found all of ours. I couldn't delete them. And I sent you a message about how weird it was.

"I was deleting old conversations from Facebook Messenger, and came across ours.
           Weird.
     And even weirder I'm messaging about it.
But you know me, never been one not to.
          I guess...
     I just hope all is well.
Alright.
          That's it.
     Bye."

But yours weren't the only messages I found, and deleted. There were some from 6 years ago. 6 entire, god damn years. So many people who had hurt me. So many people I had hurt. All there in black and white for me to find again. I felt like a dam that was quickly being pushed to a breaking point. Too many leaks had sprung. All the pain I had buried for 6 entire, god damn years exploded past my dam. Geysers of words gushed from within, and now I don't know where my reality is again.

I know. I'm that crazy, bipolar, obsessed, overly-attached ex-girlfriend. But you were the thing that held me together when the dam was threatened. And then you became the last current that broke me down.

It's 0245 and my soul is screaming. It can't handle this. It can't handle all the pain. But what can I do to numb it? I have a puppy, she's my world. I have to stay for her. I have to be able to past drug tests for work. Am I going to be swallowed whole by this torrent of my past? I don't know what to do. I'm sorry.

Sincerely,
The Girl

P.S. Update at 0310: You replied with a thumbs up emoji. It's good I already am over dramatic, because my heart picked up and dropped in seconds. But... at least you read it.

The One About Life's Joke

Dear You,

Today I was talking to my coworker about you. I told her that I was never told a real reason why you left. I remember you trying to tell me that it was the distance that was too hard. I told you I wouldn't accept that bullshit because I was the one driving almost 400 miles both ways every other weekend just to see you. You never gave me another answer.

I often wonder if the pressure just became too much. We were so young. You were going to be leaving for boot camp soon, you were just about to turn 18, your family was digging  their claws into your back. I was in school, on the other side of the state. But the one answer I will never get is which straw it was that broke your camels back. It's my one regret in life, that I never had the guts to ask you. Even when we were talking again briefly, I didn't want to scare you off by bombarding you with the past. I should have just asked, considering how you one day decided I wasn't worth replying to anymore anyways.

I also told her a secret. Do you think you can keep it? I told her that you are the one person in the world who, if you came back, could make me reconsider my entire life, my entire relationship. I told her I know what kind of a person that makes me. But I can't help it. You were my right person at the wrong time. Sure, I'm happy where I am, and who I'm with now. But it will never be that same high again. You were the drug of all drugs, the trip of a lifetime. And once I came down, no matter how many others I take, I will never be able to reach that same high again. It will be my curse of a lifetime.

I wonder if you think of me, if I'm your one that got away. My mind convinces my heart that you don't. It tells it that you never meant any of it, that you should never have wasted your time. But there is a tiny sliver of hope. It calls out that maybe, just maybe, I was the right person. At the wrong time. I can't quiet it, I can't get rid of it. It's always going to be there. Maybe one day we will meet on a corner, out of chance, and I will get to ask you. Until then, though, I will always be left wondering. And that is the cruelest part of this whole ordeal.

Sincerely,
The Girl

The One About Insomnia

Dear You,

It's nights like this that I find myself watching silly television shows on Netflix and staring at myself in the mirror wondering who the person looking back at me is. This is the worst my insomnia has been in months, and I'm not at all surprised.  I used to be, when this would happen. It would feel out of the blue, and the frustration over why I couldn't possibly sleep would build and build. But that was back in high school.

I'm better at seeing the foreshadowing now. Memories, time, people, they all start to bleed together in my mind. Then my moods begin to slow down. Or, as I have attempted to explain it to those constantly asking what is wrong, I say that they have "mellowed out a bit more than usual". I don't feel saddened, I'm not stressed or anxious, and I still am able to go about my days finding the small things to smile for.

It's as if someone starts slipping me pills, and the edges just become dull. Those close to me start to think that they are doing somethin wrong, or that I am upset with them. And because people are so terribly thick headed these days, no amount of pleas or explanations can deter their thoughts. It happened once with us.

Of course, as I mentioned in my last post, all my memories from our time together have warped into dreams. So what I remember may actually not be what I think they are. But that's simply not the point.

What I do remember are many nights where you fell asleep early while we skyped. You were always the better student than me, and I can't remember a day you were late to school. After you fell asleep I would clean. My roommates never seemed to grasp the concept of a dishwasher. Or a sink faucet. So I would clean and binge watch Netflix and send you random text messages at all hours of the night. I would eventually make my way back to bed and crash around 6. Only about an hour before you would wake up. Sometimes I would make it to say good morning.

It's only after a few weeks of the insomnia that being sleep deprived finally begins to trigger my emotions. I started to believe that sometimes that was what drove us apart. I know it's not true, at least not in full, but it's comforting to find a reason when I wasn't given one.

Now, at 0545, I can hear the lady in the apartment underneath as she wakes up and begins her morning routine. Most people are still soundly asleep, including those in my apartment, dog included. Hopefully when I finish this I can still salvage a few hours. Maybe I'll even have another dream. Maybe it will be about you.

Sincerely,
The Girl

The One About The Dreams

Dear You,

I rarely ever remember my dreams. They leave me and drift away like a curl of smoke escaping a fire. But when I do remember one, they stay with me for far too long. I can't shake them, I can't forget them. In fact, it's quite often the opposite. They bombard my mind, and leave me with no peace. The scenes flash through my mind, the faces float in front of my eyes, the emotions cascade down into my heart.

I use to dream about you every night for a long, long time after you left. But as time went on, as it always does, gradually I began to forget my dreams, or have less of them. (I'm not really sure which.) I could never quite bring myself to call it a relief though. I can't have in you life, so I clung to the you I had in my dreams. Some things I can still remember.

They way you used to smile, it's still the same in my dreams. I could always see it in your eyes, those deep, dark, chocolate eyes. It was always a little goofy, but oh how I loved that goofy grin. It was in every dream when you looked at me. It was always so flattering on your perfectly proportioned face. I always told you that your curly hair, deep eyes, and goofy grin were perfect. I have never seen a face to this day that rivals yours. And I doubt I ever will.

It's been over a year and a half since you left. It's been long enough now that our whole relationship feels like it was a dream. I like to think that there is a sweet, innocent irony in that fact. All my memories of us are a little blurred around the edges, a little wispy in the details. Like a dream that is starting to slip through my fingertips. Maybe, at this point, some of them are dreams.

Last night.... you were back again. I can't remember how long ago the last dream was that you were in. It was months ago, I'm almost sure. But there you were, as real as day in front of me. Until the daylight seeped under my eyelids of course. I fought waking harder this time. Something about this dream was just so wonderful. I didn't want to ever leave it. You were smiling at me, and wrapping your arms around me. You playfully growled and brought me to the ground. Our gentle laughs echoed around the fading room.

But it was you, and you told me that you forgave me. I'm not sure what I had apologized for... perhaps all the blind missteps I took, or all the decisions I made caused by an illness I had not yet been made aware of that I had. In this dream, I was blissful. It felt as though my mind and world were finally at peace. I felt like I was where I belonged, and that I could finally rest.

And then you were gone. My mind slithered back into reality and my chest caved in on itself. I once again had to face the fact that you weren't a reality anymore. I'm trying my best to convince myself that you are only in my dreams now. You aren't my reality anymore. It's said that time heals all, but how can time heal something that aches even in a world where time does not exist? At least I can find comfort that in my dreams, in this other world, I can find peace again. Even if it is just for a short time, and short escape.

Sincerely,
The Girl

The One About The Song

Dear You,

I only found this song recently, it wasn't originally in my list of songs that I wish I could make you listen to. But since I stumbled across it, I have been everything short of obsessed. I listen to it on repeat, I read the lyrics over and over to try and force them into remembrance in my mind. There is only one person on my mind when I hear it. Flashback after flashback of you.

Somehow everything always comes back to you. Every time I think about picking up everything and leaving, I always end up near you. Every dream I have of my future just isn't the same without you in it. My mind knows no bounds, and drifts carelessly to you every chance it gets.

Most the songs I would listen to talked of how stuck I was on you, how I couldn't move past you. But that's not entirely true. I'm moving on. Not in every way, but in every was I can right now. And this song emphasizes that. I just wish there was some way I could make sure you heard it, and that you thought about me too.

Sincerely,
The Girl

The One About The Glass Wall

Dear You,

I was doing better, I swear.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, severe anxiety, and major depression. I was talking to a therapist. I was branching out at work. I was talking to family more. I was growing closer to the man who tried to fix me.

I was.
I was...
I was.....

I'm not anymore. I'm fighting for my soul, for my mind, for this thing I call my life. Everything was supposed to get better when we stopped communicating. I thought for sure that I could become a strong, new me.

But then the arguments became louder, the family faded away, the work I did became mediocre despite my hardest efforts, and I stopped responding to the therapist. The light that had steadily grown for months started to flicker, and I started to suffocate.

I feel as though I am stuck behind a glass wall, watching everything happen in front of me and I can't influence it. It all happens so fast, before I can reach out and change it. No matter how loud I yell or how hard I hit the wall, nothing changes. I'm headed the wrong direction but there I can't turn back.

There is nobody that can hear me, that can help me. I'm failing at my own life. Is that possible? It must be since I am here, doing it now. My brake line is cut, it's all down hill from here.

Of course, I don't think that you would fix everything. It's silly to think that one person could magically make things all better. I don't think that, or expect it, or wish it. At this point, honestly, I don't believe that anyone, including myself, could make it better. Nothing can break this glass wall I am looking through.

I've thought about picking up and leaving. Simply dropping everything and leaving. Instead of staring through the same glass wall everyday, I could find a new wall. A new view. Of course, I looked for everything I would need in the same city as you. The only problem with that, though, is that I couldn't put myself through the rejection again. I loved, and I lost you. If I lost you again, no part of me could handle it.

I looked on the other side of the continent instead. It's more and more appealing with every passing day. Just know, that if I do it, it will be my last try, last chance, last hope.

The only problem is figuring out a way to walk away from this glass wall.

Sincerely,
The Girl