Dear You,
It's nights like this that I find myself watching silly television shows on Netflix and staring at myself in the mirror wondering who the person looking back at me is. This is the worst my insomnia has been in months, and I'm not at all surprised. I used to be, when this would happen. It would feel out of the blue, and the frustration over why I couldn't possibly sleep would build and build. But that was back in high school.
I'm better at seeing the foreshadowing now. Memories, time, people, they all start to bleed together in my mind. Then my moods begin to slow down. Or, as I have attempted to explain it to those constantly asking what is wrong, I say that they have "mellowed out a bit more than usual". I don't feel saddened, I'm not stressed or anxious, and I still am able to go about my days finding the small things to smile for.
It's as if someone starts slipping me pills, and the edges just become dull. Those close to me start to think that they are doing somethin wrong, or that I am upset with them. And because people are so terribly thick headed these days, no amount of pleas or explanations can deter their thoughts. It happened once with us.
Of course, as I mentioned in my last post, all my memories from our time together have warped into dreams. So what I remember may actually not be what I think they are. But that's simply not the point.
What I do remember are many nights where you fell asleep early while we skyped. You were always the better student than me, and I can't remember a day you were late to school. After you fell asleep I would clean. My roommates never seemed to grasp the concept of a dishwasher. Or a sink faucet. So I would clean and binge watch Netflix and send you random text messages at all hours of the night. I would eventually make my way back to bed and crash around 6. Only about an hour before you would wake up. Sometimes I would make it to say good morning.
It's only after a few weeks of the insomnia that being sleep deprived finally begins to trigger my emotions. I started to believe that sometimes that was what drove us apart. I know it's not true, at least not in full, but it's comforting to find a reason when I wasn't given one.
Now, at 0545, I can hear the lady in the apartment underneath as she wakes up and begins her morning routine. Most people are still soundly asleep, including those in my apartment, dog included. Hopefully when I finish this I can still salvage a few hours. Maybe I'll even have another dream. Maybe it will be about you.
Sincerely,
The Girl
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Thursday, June 1, 2017
The One About The Dreams
Dear You,
I rarely ever remember my dreams. They leave me and drift away like a curl of smoke escaping a fire. But when I do remember one, they stay with me for far too long. I can't shake them, I can't forget them. In fact, it's quite often the opposite. They bombard my mind, and leave me with no peace. The scenes flash through my mind, the faces float in front of my eyes, the emotions cascade down into my heart.
I use to dream about you every night for a long, long time after you left. But as time went on, as it always does, gradually I began to forget my dreams, or have less of them. (I'm not really sure which.) I could never quite bring myself to call it a relief though. I can't have in you life, so I clung to the you I had in my dreams. Some things I can still remember.
They way you used to smile, it's still the same in my dreams. I could always see it in your eyes, those deep, dark, chocolate eyes. It was always a little goofy, but oh how I loved that goofy grin. It was in every dream when you looked at me. It was always so flattering on your perfectly proportioned face. I always told you that your curly hair, deep eyes, and goofy grin were perfect. I have never seen a face to this day that rivals yours. And I doubt I ever will.
It's been over a year and a half since you left. It's been long enough now that our whole relationship feels like it was a dream. I like to think that there is a sweet, innocent irony in that fact. All my memories of us are a little blurred around the edges, a little wispy in the details. Like a dream that is starting to slip through my fingertips. Maybe, at this point, some of them are dreams.
Last night.... you were back again. I can't remember how long ago the last dream was that you were in. It was months ago, I'm almost sure. But there you were, as real as day in front of me. Until the daylight seeped under my eyelids of course. I fought waking harder this time. Something about this dream was just so wonderful. I didn't want to ever leave it. You were smiling at me, and wrapping your arms around me. You playfully growled and brought me to the ground. Our gentle laughs echoed around the fading room.
But it was you, and you told me that you forgave me. I'm not sure what I had apologized for... perhaps all the blind missteps I took, or all the decisions I made caused by an illness I had not yet been made aware of that I had. In this dream, I was blissful. It felt as though my mind and world were finally at peace. I felt like I was where I belonged, and that I could finally rest.
And then you were gone. My mind slithered back into reality and my chest caved in on itself. I once again had to face the fact that you weren't a reality anymore. I'm trying my best to convince myself that you are only in my dreams now. You aren't my reality anymore. It's said that time heals all, but how can time heal something that aches even in a world where time does not exist? At least I can find comfort that in my dreams, in this other world, I can find peace again. Even if it is just for a short time, and short escape.
Sincerely,
The Girl
I rarely ever remember my dreams. They leave me and drift away like a curl of smoke escaping a fire. But when I do remember one, they stay with me for far too long. I can't shake them, I can't forget them. In fact, it's quite often the opposite. They bombard my mind, and leave me with no peace. The scenes flash through my mind, the faces float in front of my eyes, the emotions cascade down into my heart.
I use to dream about you every night for a long, long time after you left. But as time went on, as it always does, gradually I began to forget my dreams, or have less of them. (I'm not really sure which.) I could never quite bring myself to call it a relief though. I can't have in you life, so I clung to the you I had in my dreams. Some things I can still remember.
They way you used to smile, it's still the same in my dreams. I could always see it in your eyes, those deep, dark, chocolate eyes. It was always a little goofy, but oh how I loved that goofy grin. It was in every dream when you looked at me. It was always so flattering on your perfectly proportioned face. I always told you that your curly hair, deep eyes, and goofy grin were perfect. I have never seen a face to this day that rivals yours. And I doubt I ever will.
It's been over a year and a half since you left. It's been long enough now that our whole relationship feels like it was a dream. I like to think that there is a sweet, innocent irony in that fact. All my memories of us are a little blurred around the edges, a little wispy in the details. Like a dream that is starting to slip through my fingertips. Maybe, at this point, some of them are dreams.
Last night.... you were back again. I can't remember how long ago the last dream was that you were in. It was months ago, I'm almost sure. But there you were, as real as day in front of me. Until the daylight seeped under my eyelids of course. I fought waking harder this time. Something about this dream was just so wonderful. I didn't want to ever leave it. You were smiling at me, and wrapping your arms around me. You playfully growled and brought me to the ground. Our gentle laughs echoed around the fading room.
But it was you, and you told me that you forgave me. I'm not sure what I had apologized for... perhaps all the blind missteps I took, or all the decisions I made caused by an illness I had not yet been made aware of that I had. In this dream, I was blissful. It felt as though my mind and world were finally at peace. I felt like I was where I belonged, and that I could finally rest.
And then you were gone. My mind slithered back into reality and my chest caved in on itself. I once again had to face the fact that you weren't a reality anymore. I'm trying my best to convince myself that you are only in my dreams now. You aren't my reality anymore. It's said that time heals all, but how can time heal something that aches even in a world where time does not exist? At least I can find comfort that in my dreams, in this other world, I can find peace again. Even if it is just for a short time, and short escape.
Sincerely,
The Girl
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