Dear you,
Last night I had a very difficult realization. I was talking to the man I am with about how tired I am, how stressful everything is, about how I have to switch into "survival mode" frequently to just get through the day. And do you know what he said?
"You make it sound like it's a fucking chore to be alive."
Everything suddenly crashed in around me, and my subconscious whispered something to me conscious mind. He was right. For the last few years, even when I thought I was in a position I could be happy with, I struggled through that daily chore. I didn't want to make it stop, I wasn't looking for a way out. But I wasn't happy to be going through it either.
I never thought that having suicidal tendencies would feel like that. I always assumed that if I got to that point, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. I wouldn't be able to function, that I would cry all the time. I didn't realize that it would be hidden in the dread of waking up to my alarm every day to go to work. I didn't know it would be wrapped up in the blanket of failing out of school, or tucked inside an aching body that never wanted to stay standing and I hating looking at in the mirror.
Thankfully, I am getting my ESA soon. She is going to help tremendously. My hours at work are going to go down, which will hopefully help. At least, for the time being, things are going to become more bearable. I honestly can't say if I will ever look at being alive as not being a chore unfortunately, but I have people who want to help. As long as they don't drop everything and leave like you did, I think I can actually start to recover again.
Sincerely,
The Girl
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