The One About Insomnia

Dear You,

It's nights like this that I find myself watching silly television shows on Netflix and staring at myself in the mirror wondering who the person looking back at me is. This is the worst my insomnia has been in months, and I'm not at all surprised.  I used to be, when this would happen. It would feel out of the blue, and the frustration over why I couldn't possibly sleep would build and build. But that was back in high school.

I'm better at seeing the foreshadowing now. Memories, time, people, they all start to bleed together in my mind. Then my moods begin to slow down. Or, as I have attempted to explain it to those constantly asking what is wrong, I say that they have "mellowed out a bit more than usual". I don't feel saddened, I'm not stressed or anxious, and I still am able to go about my days finding the small things to smile for.

It's as if someone starts slipping me pills, and the edges just become dull. Those close to me start to think that they are doing somethin wrong, or that I am upset with them. And because people are so terribly thick headed these days, no amount of pleas or explanations can deter their thoughts. It happened once with us.

Of course, as I mentioned in my last post, all my memories from our time together have warped into dreams. So what I remember may actually not be what I think they are. But that's simply not the point.

What I do remember are many nights where you fell asleep early while we skyped. You were always the better student than me, and I can't remember a day you were late to school. After you fell asleep I would clean. My roommates never seemed to grasp the concept of a dishwasher. Or a sink faucet. So I would clean and binge watch Netflix and send you random text messages at all hours of the night. I would eventually make my way back to bed and crash around 6. Only about an hour before you would wake up. Sometimes I would make it to say good morning.

It's only after a few weeks of the insomnia that being sleep deprived finally begins to trigger my emotions. I started to believe that sometimes that was what drove us apart. I know it's not true, at least not in full, but it's comforting to find a reason when I wasn't given one.

Now, at 0545, I can hear the lady in the apartment underneath as she wakes up and begins her morning routine. Most people are still soundly asleep, including those in my apartment, dog included. Hopefully when I finish this I can still salvage a few hours. Maybe I'll even have another dream. Maybe it will be about you.

Sincerely,
The Girl