The One About The Titanic

Dear you,

It seems as though a switch has flipped inside me, and my insomnia is back. I was doing so good for quite a few months. And something changed overnight in me I guess. It was quite odd honestly. It usually gets gradually worse and worse, until I can't sleep at night at all. But this time? This time is different. About a week ago I was sleepy by 2200, but last night I didn't finally collapse in bed until 0300.

On the upside, I have plenty of time to watch sad movies on Netflix. At least, I consider it an upside. Earlier, I finished was Titanic. It's odd, that a girl like me would watch that show by choice. I think I find some solace in having an excuse to feel emotion, and to cry. My walls are higher than ever now and it's incredibly difficult to find any other reason to show the broken parts of me that I hide.

Once the tears well up behind my lashes though, it's the end of my fight. I cried through the last half hour of the movie, and then for an hour after on the floor of the bathroom. I am  the only one awake in my apartment (not hard when there are only two of us), so as per usual I have to comfort myself. This is nothing new though, and after all my mascara has run and half the roll of toilet paper is blown through, I am able to pick myself back up and lie on my half of the bed.

My mind runs rampant at night, and the uncontrolled thoughts surround my memory of you. I can't drown them out myself, I can't sink my memories of you, of us, of all those years. I have to find outside forces to deliver me to a dreamless sleep. But tonight, as I'm drifting into the cold waters of despair, I have nothing to find peace in other than this letter. I know it's hopeless to think that you will ever read these, or that you even still care. And yet there will always be the small nag in the back of my mind... what if, what if, what if.

I think that's why I still cry so hard, because you will never actually be gone from my life, no matter who comes along, or how old I get. But for now, people will only ever know those tears shed for you as silly nonsense over a movie.

Sincerly,
The Girl